Audience of Two -- 2log

2uandary of the Weekend

flav — Fri, 16 May 2008 20:34:48 CDT

Thanks to TiVo and NPR, I am able to go through life without encountering much in the way of commercial advertisements. The major exception, from spring to fall, is Phillies games. The 2uandary I leave to you this weekend is:

Who made the rule that every single commercial during a baseball game--be it for bank services, hot dog buns, or mufflers--has to be baseball-themed, no matter how far-fetched the connection?

New Toothpaste

Sam — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:50:38 CDT

Nooze Roundup

Sam — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:17:22 CDT

2log Points Competition: Let me make a few points...I got a few to spare.

It begins...

Thought of the Day: Stickin' my neck out. Reflections include...

Bold moves.

A dispatch from Rugby, ND.

Exploding paradigms.

Still no peace in the Middle East.

Shame On You, Coffee-hating Prudes!

gerrit — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:02:03 CDT

I thought I was all shamed out, but it's so much fun handing down moral judgement unto others.

An online group called "The Resistance" thinks the new Starbucks cups are offensive because:

"Starbucks coffee cups now features full view of topless Siren with her "legs" spread."

Many people have pointed out that her boobies are tastefully obscured by a hairbra, and that mermaids have no legs to spread. But let's cruise over to their website to see if we can find anything marginally offensive on their website:

"Offensive" photo reproduced above the fold? Check.
Use of the offensive term "slutbucks" to describe this? Check.
A link to an offensive press release entitled "Barbara Walters is a slut"? Wait... seriously? OK, fine, that gets a double check.
Even Bill O'Reilly thinks you're crazy after you ambush his show complaining that George W. Bush and other luminaries attend a secret club to perform Satanic rituals. Holy crap, dude. That doesn't get a check for offensive. You need some serious help.

In the meantime, if you're the type who finds yourselves aroused by bizarre, promiscuous fish-creatures, you may want to avoid Starbucks for the next while. Otherwise, enjoy their tasty new Pike Place coffee, brewed fresh every 30 minutes.

(Disclosure: Author is long SBUX)

Shame On You, Anybody Who Doesn't Give Me a Frii Wii!

gerrit — Thu, 15 May 2008 14:07:04 CDT

We're not the only ones who made a Mii that look like John McCain. A cool site called Mii Characters allows people to upload Miis they create, and they've created some cool caricatures of people more famous than us. For fun, see if you can match the Miis on the left with the celebrity on the right:

	Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
	Charlie Brown
	Dwight Schrute
	Gene Simmons
	Jay Leno
	Jermaine Clement, from Flight of the Conchords
	Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch
	Miss Piggy
	Mr. Garrison
	V, from V for Vendetta

The Quandaries, volume 4,356

Sam — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:55:14 CDT

I was telling a co-worker about seeing Endgame last night, and informed him that my favorite quote from the play is the following:

You're on Earth! There's no cure for that.

"But," said my co-worker, "that's factually untrue. If you're a multi-millionaire, you can go to the International Space Station. Science has caught up with Samuel Beckett. He is no longer a relevant playwright."

And with that, my co-worker sauntered off to the elevator, leaving me to wonder what Beckett would think about that. My guess is that he'd love it.

Nooze Roundup

Sam — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:36:04 CDT

2log Points Competition: My coat = collateral damage in Gerrit's rise to glory

The real conductor of the Straight Talk Express.

Thought of the Day: Unaware of what we didn't have. Reflections include...

A step in the right direction.

Potent "quotables."

NYF'nC

Still no peace in the Middle East.

Shame On You, Sam Dingman!

gerrit — Thu, 15 May 2008 11:53:26 CDT

How dare you advance the agenda of the fiendish oatmeal sympathizers.

This morning, I was trying to make oatmeal and it spilled all over my hand, causing somewhere between zeroeth and twenty-eighth degree burns. I celebrated by dumping a steamin' hot serving of unsweetened soy milk and steel-cut oat porridge all over our carpet and your Gooch's Best Feed jacket, giving our infestation of cockroaches a reason to lay extra eggs for the coming summer oat harvest.

Like the Reagan legacy project, the oatmeal linguistic reclassification mission is a seemingly benign force which must be halted before our language is destroyed by malevolent oat beings, rendering communication impossible without saying sentences devoid of content like "Oatmeal oatmeal! Oatmeal? Oatmeal oat oat," and resulting in a swift exterminatino of our species. You're either with us or you're against us.... pick your side:

Good...

... or evil.

BREAKING: LINGUISTIC REVOLUTION IS AFOOT!

Sam — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:50:45 CDT

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Instead of using the phrase, "Throw one's hat into the ring," let's all start saying "Throw one's hat into the oatmeal pot."

Agreed? YES. Ready...BEGIN!

Question of the Day

gerrit — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:35:10 CDT

Which photo op will resonate best with swing voters...

(swing voters being the the crowd of evangelicals who are disaffected by the GOP and starting to hear sermons in church about protecting the environment)

McCain's: "I Lived Through the Last Ice Age" climate change tour...

...or Main Man Hussein's "For The Last Time, I'm Not a Muslim" flyer

Film =? Movies

gerrit — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:05:34 CDT

Our team of crack researchers here at the 2log have uncovered a revolutionary linguistic distinction.

The barbaric a-holes who don't read 2log may mistakenly assume the term FILMS and MOVIES are synonymous. But that just ain't how life works, Paps. I've got two hot definitions. Checkit:

FILM: A work of fine art. The moving picture as a fine cultural craft. Cinéma-vérité. Le masterwork de auteur. Often stars Depardieu, De Niro, Danny D. Lewis, Dame Dench, or Patrick Stewart.
MOVIE: The old-timey, popcorn chuggin', milk-dudded smile-fest what results from good timed thrillas and caramel spillers. Chick flicks, skin pics, trashy slashers and x-plosions. Often stars Vin Diesel, Adam Sandler, Lily Tomlin, Shia LeBeouf, or Patrick Stewart.

So now you won't not commit an error in grammar when using sentences as like the following:

The talking robot/acting was particularly good in that movie/film.
He/she showed his/her pecker/knockers in a humorous/tasteful way in that movie/film.
I got so excited I reached climax/bored I fell asleep twice while watching that movie/film.

2log commenters help out... any other sentences which make use of this distinction? Bonus points if you use Rob Schneider and film in the same sentence without negation.

My Failures

Sam — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:39:10 CDT

No vlog today, as I was up until 4 AM working on a New Roots interview with the Artistic Director of the Milk Can Theatre Company, which I hope you'll check out.

Upon completion of the interview, I naturally collapsed into bed and proceeded to sleep well past the hour at which I am supposed to arrive at work, and sent a frantic and apologetic e-mail to the boss as soon as I woke up. There does not seem to have been any backlash, and I am still scheduled to attend the free after-work dinner and ticket to Endgame at BAM that the company is sponsoring...BOO-YAH TO YA HOO-HAH!

However, a fellow tardy co-worker proved to be a better person than me by sending the best late-to-work e-mail ever:

SUBJECT: HeLL train

Due to some issue at Union Square, the L train has decided it's too chicken to even cross the river. There are no cabs in Brooklyn during "sobriety hours". I will be investigating this "Jimz" train that everyone's been talking about, as I know the G train to be an enemy and buses are ultimately confusing.

Also, I leaned against a pillar in the subway station and stuck to it because it was coated in soaking wet paint.

Hump day, my ass. Hasta la pasta...

Nooze Roundup

Sam — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:58:21 CDT

2log Points Competition: Jack Topside (is Gerrit's not-so-secret identity)

Off the twig?

Thought of the Day: Doin' anything we like to do. Reflections include...

Waitin'.

Hatin'.

Postulatin'.

Still no peace in the Middle East.

NASA Update: Including a Pretty Picture

gerrit — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:54:29 CDT

NASA just finished up their half hour press conference on the great mystery they wanted to announce. Was supermassive black holes? ALF? Hoffa? Unfortunately, it didn't really match the hype.

They found the youngest known supernova, at about 140 years old. This is about twice as old as John McCain, which sounds ancient but is actually considered young in astronomical terms. It's actually somewhat interesting, as it helps scientists figure out the rate at which stars go supernova. They hadn't found it sooner because it's embedded in the dense gunk around the galactic center, which made it impossible to see in the visible light spectrum.

The best part of the audio press conference, however, was when they opened it to questions and one person asked:

"Does this discovery have the potential to get the moon crickets shipped off Earth?"

YOU DECIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Freaky Daquiri Dream

Sam — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:58:13 CDT

If my name is contained in Andy Samberg's, does that make me remotely as cool as him?

Nope. Not even close.